Monday, July 27, 2009


I feel the toxicity. Poison.

I woke up with Trent Reznor's words running over and over: "I used to be so big and strong. I used to know my right from wrong. I used to never be afraid. I used to be somebody... I was up above it, now I'm down in it."

I'm starting to understand that I have become used to expecting the worst treatment from the men I choose to love. I'm used to being the hurt one, the victim. WHich is totally fucked up and not a part of my life I think I've realized before. Even though I worked so hard to hide it, to project this image of strength and resilience, unattached to him. Even while projecting this facade, however convincing it may have been to others and to myself even, in our relationship, I was the hurt one. And he fucking knew how much and how often he hurt me and yet made no effort to stop it. And I was so fucking trapped and couldn't leave. Even when I tried to leave I couldn't stay gone because our bond was more permanent due to circumstance. And I never once felt like I could trust him at any point over the years.

And as the brilliant Tom Waits sang, "I did my time, in the jail of your arms". I did my fucking time and I finally started to feel good and like love could be possible again. That a partnership could be real and in my life and that it wouldn't look like a prison.

I'm not used to being the one who would do the hurting. And here it happened. The poison bubbled up and over and it scalded you. And my regret is burning me.

I missed you so fucking much today, A. The ache has its own heartbeat.

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