This is the first post on this blog in 2009, and the first post in which the "you" I am writing to is a different "you" than the one I was writing to before. It has been so long since I have written and in a way I am forcing myself to do this now.
I was so awful to you the night before last. The words I chose to use were the ones I knew would wound the deepest. Why would I strike so hard at the one who has been so dear to me? Why would I act in such a stupid way, a way that would guarantee me winding up alone once again? How could I be such a wretch?
And its these fucking questions that are the reason I'm forcing myself to write this week. Because writing has saved my life - or at least my heart- so many times before and I feel so lost right now. And to try to understand this ugliness inside me so that with hope and vigilance, I can make a real promise to you that it won't happen again.
In a moment of sadness and weakness I admitted my horridness to my mother earlier today. I didn't go into detail other than to say that I was a complete asshole to you, said terrible, undeserved things and that I wished that I could turn back time and take it all back. And then she of course told my father. And hearing the two of them talk to me about what I did to you- the two most frequent victims of the vile words spit by my teenaged tongue - I couldn't lie or minimize the damage I had done. They know me better than that.
My father reminded me that I have always fixated on things that I fear - like vampires and sharks - giving them more meaning and power than they deserve. And he said that I am fixating on my ex and the anniversary of his departure in the same way. I interrupted him quickly and told him that his advice wasn't helpful, but here hours later I think he was on to something. But its not the ex that I am fixated on- it is the carcrash that was me when he left. It is the incredible pain and loss I experienced from time to time on this blog.
So I think my brain is fucking with me. And this certainly wouldn't be the first time I realized that I have walls up that I wasn't even aware of. So the question remains, how do I let these walls down so I can see things truly and honestly? How do I trust? How can I possibly risk loving, which means perhaps losing, again?
I have a lot of love to give. And yet instead it has been injury that has been flung from my body onto yours.