Monday, April 28, 2008

The First One

I am stressing. I am stressed and anxious. He is coming home tomorrow. My gut knows that with his return, this return, his permanent departure is imminent.

And I want to be a good person. A solid friend. I don’t want to make our next days, define our coming time together with my insecurities. This is not about me. It is not about me right now. I need to make sure it is not about me.

So my struggle now is to be a better person, to live on my own and be strong. To not smoke 8 million cigarettes and drink vodka and more vodka. To resist the urge to create drama, to force him to give me affirmations that I am loved. Loved by him. That he will miss me dreadfully when he leaves. That he will grieve the loss of me in his life.

I saw a stop sign on the way home tonight that someone had stuck a sticker under the “stop” that said “being afraid.”

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